This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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