Will you blow on my dice?
well you can't waste a boner
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
