Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
