maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
