So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
