yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
