Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
