Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
