I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
