Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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