the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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