If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
