I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
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I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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