chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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