you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I love having hate sex.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She's like a pop up book from hell.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
