I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
