just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE