Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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