A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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