i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
