Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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