Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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