Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
