so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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