Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
