Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
