they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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