I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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