I accidentally had phone sex last night
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
