its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
