If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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