i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
