you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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