It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
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Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
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I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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