Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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