Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
