: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
