12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
