if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She said her name was "party"
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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