he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
