Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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