Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
