Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
