K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
