That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
After last night, I could never be a politician.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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