I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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