Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
