Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
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how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
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I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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