you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
