Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
