i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
