this boner is exhausting
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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