I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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