As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
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They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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