Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
