Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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