I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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