I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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