I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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