You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm determined to sit on that face.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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